Monday 13 September 2010

Thar she blows

Stephen...be afraid. Be very afraid.... My stomach is making horrible noises. It sounds like it is speaking Whale, interspersed with intervals of bubbling lava noises. This cannot be good news!

Lawnmower Man

Bloke has a bit of a lawn mowing obsession. He used to frequently cut my front and back lawns whilst we were at work. I had never asked him to, but I think he thinks he was being neighbourly. (It is sometimes difficult to fathom the thought processes, if indeed there are any.) The problem with the well-intentioned mowing was that he would scalp the lawns and I ended up with bare patches and hack marks where the lawnmower dug in and gouged the soil. In an attempt to repair it I had a lawn treatment company come in, and used that as an excuse to get Stephen to explain to him why he couldn't cut the back lawn any more.

Unfortunately this didn't stop him cutting the front...and now I have turf wars between him and our other neighbour who also cuts it! I think this other neighbour is perhaps trying to stop Bloke marching up and down with the mower outside their sitting room windows 3 times a week, but it doesn't work. It simply means that the front grass gets cut 5 times a week now!! I have a hankering to gravel the front garden to aid my sanity. But I digress....

In a fairly recent development Bloke has taken to borrowing our lawnmower. I guess he knows that his mower chops the ground. However (and we've not really fathomed this out yet), he will often cut my front grass with his crappy mower (because we're at work and there is no access to our mower...maybe??), then borrow ours to cut his front lawn, back lawn and the grass which verges onto the road... This has been increasingly getting on my single remaining nerve - especially as I often can't cut my lawn as he has my mower. But there is an element of anything for a quiet life as it gets him out of our hair quicker when he pops round. However, yesterday may signal the end of the lawnmower borrowing....

We had just returned home from grocery shopping when Bloke appeared. He has the ability to appear from nowhere just as we're getting in or out of the car, so I do wonder if he hides in the bushes and waits for us in a slightly stalkerish way!! I think he has a bit of a man-crush on Stephen and finds me quite terrifying - I know my Mum used me as the "Bad Cop" when she was housesitting for us, so I think he now has a healthy fear of the devil-woman that I can become at the swish of a forked tail...!!!

He waited until I was carrying grocery bags into the house so he could speak to Stephen, and after a minute I could hear the lawnmower being wheeled round to his house, and shortly afterwards the sound of mowing. It went quiet pretty soon afterwards, but I figured that he'd been distracted by something...that would be unusual as he does love to mow, but you also have to balance that with having the attention span of Dory, the forgetful fish from Finding Nemo. Sometimes One Man forgets to mow his Meadow!!

A little while later there was a tap at the kitchen door. I could hear talking, and Stephen came back with a rather grim face. "Bloke has mowed over the lawnmower cable. He's agreed to get it repaired". You may ask how a sensible person manages to mow over the cable... and I would arch my eyebrow, purse my lips, roll my eyes and say "Exactly!". I am only glad that he had enough sense to plug it into an RCD (or at least I think he did!)...God knows what 240 volts would do to his brain cells! They would be clashing about in his skull like balls in a pinball machine. Ding ding ding ding.

The repair has been the cause of some teeth grinding from Stephen, as Bloke phoned to say that his friend was going to cut in new cable and mend it with those little white cable blocks that you use to connect wires together. Erm...NO BLOODY WAY! He didn't mow over some bit of out of the way cable. He mowed over the bit that drags along the ground through the (usually wet) grass!! I am very glad that Stephen obviously still loves me enough not to want me to be electrocuted during the first post-repair mow! He was quite firm on that one!!!! (Obviously he doesn't have enough life insurance on me yet!!) Bloke finally sent a text saying he was going to get the entire cable replaced and a very subdued Bloke dropped the repaired mower back off tonight. I wonder how long it will be before he asks to borrow it again?

Thursday 9 September 2010

Big Game Hunting Pt 2

More gigantic spiders! I have a metal trash can in the sitting room. I happened to glance in it the other day and saw there was a big spider sitting in the bottom of it. I figured that as it was sheer sided and slippery, I could safely not worry unduly about it getting out.....but, of course, I had to check the next day as you can't be too careful...and found another spider in there! Great - a spider catching and containment device! How wonderful! I could relax and get Stephen to deal with it when he got back. I totally forgot about them for a few days (bad me!) then had a peek....to my horror there were NO spiders in there!! However, there was a spiders leg.... I can only imagine that they either helped each other over the top, but one lost a limb in the process...or they ate one another! Euugh!!!

Watch out for me on You've Been Framed

Let me set the scene for my embarrassment....we work on a site that has security gates and CCTV. To get in you need to swipe a little card through a little reader which is placed conveniently at car height right beside the gate. Do it right and the gates magically open and you can drive through. Do it wrong and you'll be featuring on the guards Christmas "You've been framed" tape...

Stephen and I normally drive to work together. We work in the same place, the same building in fact!, so it makes sound economic and ecological sense to do so. He normally drives and deals with the gate opening thing whilst I try and work myself into a more agreeable mood prior to speaking to my co-workers. The other day he was off gallivanting somewhere, so I was on my own on doing the gate thing. I lined up behind the car in front and got to the swipe, opened my window, stuck my arm out....and discovered the the man in front obviously had orangutan arms and my little short arms wouldn't reach! I was miles short - a good 4 inches at least. Not only that, but I couldn't open the car door as it was too close to the swipey device/brick plinth. So what do you do?

Firstly you pray that no-one is behind you! (They weren't)
Secondly you push back the seat and remove your seatbelt.
Thirdly you try and hang out the window and kneel on the seat in order to get a bit closer.
Fourthly, as you've successfully swiped and the gates are opening, you try to get your torso back in the car and get the seat to where you can reach the pedals to get through the gate before it shuts again!!

I'm sure I could hear the laughter as I drove past...!

The Great Escape begins...

Richard has made it out through the tunnel to the outside world. He left work on Friday and we miss him!! (Although we did see him on Saturday and tonight...!)

The gang gather together to say goodbye to Richard


Its not a decent leaving do unless you're face down on the table....

Photees of Embra

A poster for the lovely and very talented Camille O'Sullivan



Waiting in line to see the aforementioned lovely and talented Camille O'Sullivan!
The bloke from Still Game was right in front of me...If I'd spotted who he was earlier I'd have tried for a sneaky photo!!


Starbucks!!!!!
L-R: Mama, Eve, Moi and Stephen



"Stockie" in his very fetching minidress!



One of the Fringe acts performing on the Royal Mile



Mum, Chad and Eve hanging out at the Pleasance Courtyard.


Pretty whirlie things decorating the courtyard wall.

The smallest venue on the Fringe!


Mmmmmm.....pizzzzzzzza

Edinburgh is built on hills y'know and we started at the bottom of one
...and were very glad to flag down a cab halfway up!!

Tuesday 7 September 2010

Buuuuuurp

I've had a rather unpleasant time over the weekend. Something I ate didn't agree with me. Now, the immediate effects of that were unpleasant, but the after effects of the unpleasantness was just horrible! Imagine a half-full bottle of soda, add a little sulphur (yes, it was that yuk) and shake vigorously....and you have my stomach on Sunday/Monday. It was like a pressurised container...and every now and again one or other of the safely valves would blow....

Well, I say every now and again....actually it was every time I moved! I'd stand up...buuuurp. Sit down....buuurp. Roll over...buuuurp. I felt really sorry for Stephen. It can't have been nice to witness his wife turn into Jim Royle (minus most of the facial hair)....never mind having to listen to the Symphony for Wind..instruments I was composing in my hours in the loo. I'm sure the whole neighbourhood was also enjoying that one as it reverberated round the pipes.... My goodness I could have solved the UK's energy crisis if they'd erected a wind turbine outside.... I hope never to suffer like that again!!

Fun at the Festival

We scooted on up to Edinburgh for the Bank Holiday weekend. Well, we didn't scoot. We actually flew. Scooting is such hard work for long distances, and especially hard when you have luggage as there really isn't any storage space on a scooter! Although, I think ground-based transportation would have been easier as the flight wasn't without incident...well, not so much the flight itself, more the fact that Stephen managed to mislay his drivers license on the plane after he showed it to board the flight. He didn't realise it was missing until the next day. A phone call to the airline failed to locate it, but at least they confirmed that his other ID would be enough to get him on the flight home.

We had a brilliant time! After a quick catch-up with my family we headed up to the city centre for a pre-dinner cocktail in Gusto where I was made to feel exceedingly short by the gigantic willowy blondes gathered at the bar. When did women get so tall? I barely reached their elbows! It didn't help that I was wearing flats (soooo practical) and they were in towering platform heels (soooo not), but even so....! I was very relieved when I got a bar stool and got to feel more like normal height.

Dinner was fabulous. We got the corner table by the fireplace (as I'd been told to ask for last time we were in) and had a very delicious meal of smoked salmon starter and fillet steak which was to die for. We were seeing a show at 10:30 so after dinner we hit a nearby bar...where once again there were herds of women wandering about like giraffes across the Serengeti. Stephen got a bit macho at one point...yes...you read that right! He got all macho and protective, tapped some bloke on the shoulder, gestured at me and said "Watch your elbows!". I was quite taken aback! I had had to move sharply to avoid getting said elbow in my face, but when you're my height that's not an uncommon experience! I have good peripheral vision and quick reflexes...

Friday nights show was Camille O'Sullivan and what a show it was! She was brilliant! The band was brilliant! The illuminated rabbit was brilliant! The meowing was brilliant...odd..but brilliant! Of the shows I had booked, this one was the one that was a bit of a punt so I was delighted that I'd picked such a winner. We were entranced from the opening song. We had a bit of a celebrity spot on the way in too. As we were standing in line to go into the Assembly Rooms we were directly behind the actor who plays the barman in Still Game. (That will mean nothing to anyone outside Scotland!)

We did some mooching on Saturday morning, then met up with my sister who'd just packed off her summer school students. After hauling her pregnant butt up the hill to the Royal Mile we decided it was far too busy to move, so headed up to the Pleasance Courtyard for a further mooching opportunity and a chance to see the smallest venue on the fringe...a camper van! Making note to tell Audrey & John about possibilities of renting out the Motor Mansion as a luxurious Fringe venue for next year!

Dinner on Saturday en famile was in Pizza Express overlooking the Water of Leith, right on Stockbridge. We got the table in the little glass sticky-out bit so we had a wonderful view and it was like being in our own little restaurant. We couldn't see the Antony "Angel of the North" Gormley statue - a figure standing in the water - but we did see "Stockie" earlier, dressed in a very fetching patterned mini dress. It seems the good people of Stockbridge have been giving him regular makeovers!!

We went to see Jennifer Coolidge aka "Stifflers Mom" on Saturday night. She was very funny, telling very self-deprecating anecdotes about her Hollywood life and talking about her current ambition to "Get the F**k out of the USA". Sadly, her attempts to find a single man in the audience to help with that plan fell short...every man she singled out was gay...

Eve and Chad headed home after the show and we went for a drink in one of the trendy Stockbridge bars with Mum. Its very good that we have family who now live in one of the trendier areas of the city, with so many cool shops and bars to frequent! They also have an excellent chippy which we also made use of that night. I've previously explained my love of chips with saltnsauce - you can take the girl out of Edinburgh, but you can't take Edinburgh out of the girl ! - there is nothing finer after a skinful of wine!

Stephen: Two bags of chips please.
Franco's son: Saltnsauce?
Stephen: One salt and sauce, one salt and vinegar...
Franco's son: Ahhhh...I get it. One Glasgow. One Edinburgh....!

And there we have it. A nation divided...!!!

We had lunch with Dad and Joan on Sunday. Eve's little bundle was complaining about the fact that she was scoffing down an enormous roast dinner and there was no room in there for him!! I got to feel him give a good kick - which freaked me out a bit I have to admit! Although, I'm apparently the only person apart from Chad that he's kicked for, so we've bonded! I just hope he doesn't change his mind when he meets me in person!

I discovered Hendricks gin (Scottish, tastes of cucumber and roses - try it!) that afternoon in the Voodoo Lounge, which I think I may have frequented back in the day when it was just the upstairs bar of the Cafe Royal. I spent a goodly time trying to work out which bits may have looked familiar from 20 years ago...difficult given that I was probably in an alcoholic haze whenever I was in there!!! And in a seamless alcohol-themed segue...I had the most bogging glass of wine it has ever been my misfortune to have on Sunday night. I could try and describe the bouquet, the nose, the colour...but the best description I could hope to give would be MINGING!!! We were waiting for the doors to open for Jimmy Carr and had a quick drink in the venue bar. Very quick as it turned out. Three mouthfuls. Three screwed up faces when I swallowed. Actually four screwed up faces....Stephen wasn't happy that the wine was minging when he'd paid a fortune for it!!

Jimmy Carr was HILARIOUS! OMG, we laughed ourselves silly for nearly two hours! It was only supposed to be a 1h 15 minute show...but there were a lot of pretty drunk Scottish people there who thought they were funny, so "audience participation" took up more time than they had really allowed for!! He also had some woman thrown out for talking - she didn't take the hint the first time he'd had words with her about it so security were called. Please note: never try to outwit a comedian as sharp as he is...you're never going to get the last word!!! It was 2 hours of knicker-wetting hilarity and definitely not for the easily offended - nothing was off-limits!!!

Wednesday 1 September 2010

Trout Pout

I can save myself going to the trouble of having collagen injections in my lips. I can say for sure I do not suit a trout pout! How do I know? Well I've been suffering from an occasional allergic reaction to something for the past few days and on Friday, and again today, I've woken up looking like someone has inserted a golf ball into one of my lips. So attractive....! I am fervently thankful that both lips haven't swollen at once!! It has (so far anyway) been one or the other. The problem is that it takes hours to subside, and I had to go to work today looking like Stephen had given me a thick lip. And what DO you do about lipstick when one of your lips is about 5 times bigger than the other? Stephen suggested just drawing on where my lips would be were they normal size, but in the end I felt I looked ridiculous enough and just went with a slick of nude lip gloss and a hand across my mouth when speaking to people.

It wasn't just my lips that were affected. I also woke up with a raised up rash/spots (it was difficult to tall from where I was looking!) across the back of my leg. I decided that a trip to the Doctors might be in order - just to rule out any nasty contagions. He looked, he said it was an allergy and said that I may never know what it was that was triggering it. How reassuring! I'm sure that in the US I'd have been booked in for blood work to find out! Ah well, shouldn't complain...it is free after all.

The other downside (or maybe not!) is the inability to eat when my lip is swollen. It hampers getting nosh into my mouth and if I do manage to shove some in, the chances of my chewing my enormous lip instead of the food are pretty damn high. I managed a yogurt at lunchtime - the only thing I could shove in that didn't require the added danger of chewing! Consequently, by 5pm I was feeling weak and trembly and had to hit Waitrose in that dangerous "hungry" state. Needless to say, my trolley was full of snacks! I bought a packet of spaghetti and about 10 large bags of chips, pretzels, crisps and peanuts!!!